Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
You Might Also Like
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI