There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Merica.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears