My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”