I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?