Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?