If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu