My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
From Facebook just now…
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Great acting.. 😂
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.