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My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher