wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
tourist season
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer