I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Nice try, NASA
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*