Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying