i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order