My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time