Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Monday
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems