[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.