Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
How funny!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]