Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My love language is hissing.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.