“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.