ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
not for long
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people