You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The struggle is real.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.