I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.