When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“No way.” -Jose
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF