Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.