You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You Might Also Like
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter