*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*cough*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.