The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
May never get over this
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*