caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I triple waxed for this?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends