What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
called in thicc to work this morning
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”