If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.