In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Natty or not?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.