Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”