“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Van Gone
Not all heroes wear capes.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Jail
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”