Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.