[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™