I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit