TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
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when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
White Castle for the Win
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.