Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Festive toon…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?