You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I can’t stop laughing at this
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.