For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.