According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty