in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
When you don’t understand how floors work
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?