Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
You Might Also Like
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The human personality is made of five key elements
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game