god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.