I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
You Might Also Like
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭