My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal