My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
You Might Also Like
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The first one, obviously
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem