The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
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I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I told my vodka about you.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*