no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”