Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
You Might Also Like
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.