[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Well, shit
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Don’t snitch tag.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?